I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
