That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
