I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
