if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
