im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
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