Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
