new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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