i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize