I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Randomize
