I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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