I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
Randomize
