If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
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