Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
