Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
