you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
