did you get engaged???
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
