I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Randomize
