phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
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