God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
It's Friday. Sex?
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
