I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
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