I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
