So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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