I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
