so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
