we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
