No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
