Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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