That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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