The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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