what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
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