So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
