I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
