I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
