My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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