I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
