If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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