When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize