420 ftw
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
