i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
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