I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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