he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Randomize
