I accidentally burped into my bong.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
