I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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