Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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