What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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