I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
