When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize
