my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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