Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
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