I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
