home. puking in laundry basket.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
