Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Randomize
