I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Randomize
