i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
