my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
