i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
