i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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