just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
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